Bathroom Behavior

There is unspoken etiquette in the workplace restroom, or any restroom for that matter. No talking and no staring, as simple as that. Yet, there always seem to be offenders who break the rules. Yes, you might happen to run into your fellow gremlin in the hallway and you both are on your way to the restroom. Maybe he wants to remind you that project X is due next week, but once you reach the threshold of the bathroom, all conversations should cease. The worst offenders carry the convo all the way into the stalls. No, I don't want to hear about your match.com date from last night and no, I definitely don't want to hear about how many birthday parties you're taking your bratty ginger demon child this weekend. Maybe it's the incessant need to fill silent space, but just let a gremlin play brickbreaker on Blackberry while he breaks his own bricks. Is there no decency left in corporate america?

Funky But Not So Fresh

Every office has a least one, the Pepe Le Pew-fessional, if you will. In my office, it’s Bob, a.k.a the crop duster. That’s right, he drops his methane load and flies away so that his gas lingers long after he is out of sight. Less serious offenders include the perfume shower-er and the scented lotion abuser—she can’t help that her Bath & Body Works Warm Harvest Apple isn’t keeping her elbows moisturized in the frigid office air, or that the smell reminds her of distant autumn afternoons spent lazily waiting for freshly baked pie to cool on the window sill, or diving into orange and rust colored piles of freshly raked leaves, but I digress. The skilled crop duster will release in an elevator right before he steps out so that when you are left in the 5x5 space, and another chump enters the lift, the accusatory eyes land on you and you have no way to defend yourself to this stranger, who doesn’t know whether to feel sorry for your suffering from IBS or hate you for having to ride with your funk down 37 floors.

Words We Don't Say

Word on the street is that when Kurt Andersen became editor of NY Mag, he banned a list of words/phrases that he didn’t want used in the publication. If only Kurt could come into my office and regulate our e-mails/phone calls/meetings, he’d have a field day, but alas, he doesn’t need to muddle himself in the matters of the corporate world. In his stead, I’ve compiled my own list of trite, nauseating expressions that should come with a swift kick to the gut and nun-chuck infused bitch slap with each use:

fire drill (e.g. “the CFO wants this immediately. stop whatever you’re doing and help with this fire drill.” related ”put out fires”) - pretty sure your laptop won’t burst into flames if you turn in your financial model after it strikes noon. there is no fire—that’s just indigestion. don’t even pretend that you’re performing a civic duty by forecasting next month’s g&a expense

color (e.g. “we’re waiting for more color on the increase in revenue”) - color should be reserved for crayons not due diligence on company earnings

push back - unless you’re an airplane pilot, you’re not pushing anything back but your swivel chair so that you can reach your secret stash of gummy bears 

open kimono - just a bad visual with this one. not to mention RACIST. yes, I did just pull the race card.

pick low hanging fruit - let’s be honest, you’ve never even stepped foot on a farm, let alone an apple orchard

incentivize - adding an “ize” to the end of a word doesn’t make it any sexier, just like adding an “o” to the end of an English word, doesn’t turn it into Spanish. i’m going to let “monetize” go for now, but don’t think i didn’t notice.

Chronicles of a Corporate Gremlin

Working as a junior subordinate at a Fortune 500 company is much like living the life of a gremlin.  Lurking through the paths forged between cubicles, stealing back time via the many portals of the interweb, and sneaking naps under cubicle containers, all the while remaining inconspicuous so as not to provoke the wrath of the upper echelons of management. These are the tales of the gritty, lackluster, overrated and frequently mundane workings of corporate life.